dee_hayes94

well Happy New Year!...I wish >.> it's been 2011 for about 5 hours now and already there's drama for me. but first an update:

school starts the 18th and I still need to take my placement test so must schedule that on the 3rd....somewhat worried but just keep telling myself everything will be ok. Things with Johnny haven't changed and we're not talking still....he did wish me a merry Christmas and happy new year though...I really really miss him....and hope he starts talking to me again soon.
Also a few days ago I realized that I have/had/have a crush on my best friend...I asked him out but he said no. not only was it heartbreaking but one of my friends whom I confided in told other people and there were rumors going around about us. it was humiliating. but on the bright side it hasn't messed up our friendship =)

as for the drama of 2011:
 TJ still likes me even though Ive tried to make it clear I don't feel the same way. I don't want to break his heart but idk what to do. 
there's also this guy, Kenny. I met him awhile back and instantly had a big crush on him. he's so nice and cute...but one of my friends also had a crush on him so I didn't pursue him...she never did either and has been out of the country since july. She doesn't know when she's coming home and has been bragging about the cute guys she has crushes on....so I ask another one of my friends if it'd be ok to go after him but apparently my overseas friend is still head over heels and the friend I asked just started having a crush on him....which somehow made me 3d in the dibbs line >_< no matter the fact that I like him long before her.....I really hate the friend code its not fair. I'd never beak it but I hate it. I don't think you should be able to keep dibs on a guy in you're out of the country for over a month..and shouldn't I be 2nd dibbs since I've like him longer?...sigh >_<

 

soo I haven't written in awhile [once again] and it's starting to bug me...I'm going to start posting at least once a week from now on and hopefully more...so nothing is really new in my life but I thought I'd keep my non-existing crowd updated.

so things with John haven't gotten any better...one might say they've gotten worse. we were kind of talking for awhile but now we're on this "clean break" thing where we aren't talking at all. he kept randomly talking to me about old memories [cupcakes and muffins] and, I was being mean to him because it's already hard enough not to think about the fun times we've had without him bringing it up. it just makes this whole thing even harder. I've even been trying to get him off my mind by flicking myself every time I think, hear, talk about him...I guess I'm trying to associate him with physical pain along with the emotional pain so I wont dwell on him so much......
I miss him. I miss him alot. he's the only one I can talk to about so many things and besides that he's my best friend...was my best friend and I love him.... he's said he misses me too but, I don't believe him. I think the only thing he really misses is having someone to talk to at all hours of the day. I mean that's why we started talking in the first place after all. we were both bored out of out minds. Then there's this whole thing where he said after awhile he'll friend me again under a different name >_< because his girlfriend sees me as a threat apparently and I guess she doesn't want us talking. So that just adds to all of this crap. I am not gonna sit back and talk to him secretly like seriously wtf? if he can't talk to me in front of everyone else then I'd rather him not talk to me at all. I don't want a friend who's ashamed of me and besides he'd be going behind his girlfriend's back and if she found out then it'd just open up a whole new bag of drama that I'd end up getting blamed for...
also, I just re-read this from an old post:

"I hate to think of him like this because he's my best friend and all but it's been running through my head alot the chance he's just using me until he finally gets a girl. I don't really want to believe it but inside I somewhat feel like I'm just here for him when he needs me, and as soon as he gets what he's been waiting for he'll ditch me untill he needs me again....
I don't want to be his "go-to girl" but, it would seem like that's exactly what I am. I know he says we'll always be friends and he'll always be there for me, and I believe him but...I think in the long run I'm going to be there for him far more than he's ever going to be there for me."

that was said in Aug and as of now I'm going to say I was right. All I'm ever going to be to him is someone to bitch at when things go wrong, but as soon as everythings good again I'll get left in the dust. the curse of the girl friend. so yeah there's the update on that.

as for other things to talk about....hmmm well skillet is going to be in pitts on the 10th and I REALLY want to go but there's no way of that happening. seriously pisses me off considering they won't be anywhere close again until pointfest next year at cedar point...which I actually hoped to make a yearly thing with john but that probably isn't going to happen.

then there's this stupid application I'm trying to fill out for camp. I tried this last year and it nearly made me have a mental breakdown so idk why the heck I'm trying this again...I guess the only real reason is my friend really wants us to work together and I REALLY need a break from home. I really love camp and the app is pretty straight forward but I'm just..no good. period. I have no qualifications or special skills..I'm just an insane 16 year old kid >_< only thing I have to my name is I'm officially graduated...

of course I don't count that as an accomplishment as much as I do a failure though. I got my freakin GED and that is just plain embarrassing...sure the test was so easy I could have done it half asleep...DID do it half asleep...but, I just feel so pathetic taking the easy way out...I mean I could not for the life of me take another year of homeschooling and I'd never survive in youngstown schools so it's not like I had much of a choice...I am starting college soon soon but I just feel like such a failure...my mother is just pushing and pushing and wont stop NAGGING me >_< I already feel like my childhood is being ripped from my life and I have absolutely no say... I want to be a kid but they're forcing me to be an adult yet still treat me like a kid......but whatever

oh earlier something insane happened. I was lying on the couch and heard a BEEEEEEEP! CRASH! so I look outside to see wtf just happened and a snowplow had swerved to keep from hitting a dog and crashed into a car...a car that happened to look pretty much exactly like john's [even had the freakin dice on the mirror] >_< so I start freaking out, of course completely ignoring the fact that he has NO reason at all to be on my street. it was early and I wasn't quite awake yet so not thinking rationally. anyway after my near heart attack/ aneurysm on my porch I start running to the car, crying my eyes out and praying it's not him. [please note I'm barefoot, have on my normal short shorts and tank and there's 10 inches of show outside >_<] when I get there I see the car is empty [and not his thank God] and the snowplow driver wasn't hurt. soo I quickly return to my house pretty much frozen and try not to think about what I'd be doing if it WAS him. Eventually my mind starts to come back along with the heat and I realize how stupid I was. but I still can't shake away the feeling....how I was running [more like tripping] through snow and stepping on sharp shards of ice and couldn't even feel it...my mind was on getting to that car. getting to him. running even though when I saw it I knew if he or anyone else was in there that they'd be dead...and for those 45 seconds it took me to get to the car [felt way longer, would have been 10 without the snow] I was sure he was gone. that paranoid voice in my head popped up and was screaming "he's dead! he's dead! stop running you don't wanna see him dead!" but the rest of me was screaming "I don't care if he's dead! I gotta get to him I gotta help him!"......I think it's safe to say that was the scariest and worst feeling I've ever had. I hope I NEVER EVER EVER have to feel that again and if I ever do I pray it's just a mistake like today....but it so easily could have been so bad. December is probably the worst month for driving with the horrible weather and traffic. please remember to always drive safely and take it easy. we all have to get to places and do our shopping so just take it easy, don't be in so much of a hurry. save a life. it may just be your own.

and on that note I'm off either to bed or to work on this application some more.....so ttfn until next time <3

once again this is about Johnny.....he recently got a new girlfriend and I'm really happy for him.
anyway, Johnny and I were talking in his fb last night and she butted in...we started messing around with each other and kidding....I was trying to convince her that I was an alien who was harvesting humans and planning on destroying the human race....apparently I got out of hand because she thought i was threatening her. I wasn't. I was just playing around. but his gf is roommates with a girl he went to for advise about me liking him...and of course girls talk so now I'm thought of to be jealous and purposely mean. I do still love him but, at the moment he's nothing but a brother to me. I need to focus on school and am trying harder than anything to repair our damaged friendship.
then, he accused me of threatening her. I said I didn't mean to hurt her feelings and that I was sorry but that wasn't good enough for him. so I un-friended him. I have 2 facebook accounts and only planned on un-friending on one so I could keep tabs on him and be sure he was ok, but he un-friended the other account. He sent me a message saying he needed a break from me, which I understand and I kind of need one too....I'm just afraid he wont come back. He's my best friend and I love him. I've been preparing for this since I screwed up and told him how I felt...but I still can't live without him. this is breaking my heart and I don't know if us not talking is going to help or hurt our friendship. I'm scared I'm going to lose him. I don't know what to do and I can't say anything for fear I'll make him mad. I miss him already and am in tears. I don't think he'll come back until they've broken up, if he comes back at all. Partly because he doesn't want drama and partly because she doesn't like me...he always said his relationships wouldn't mess with us but...I knew they would and now have....what should I do? I'm so used to talking to him everyday, just a few days without him is torture...and now he's gone for god knows how long...I don't know how I'll get through this in one piece.....or even if I want to.

ohh I am sooo pissed off right now.....there's just a million and 1 things going thru my head at once...and as always, the most dominant thought is boys. =P so I might as well write about my feelings on here.

I already explained the situation with "Alex" in a previous post but because of things that have happened since that post "Alex" will now be known as "johnny" sorry for any confusion.

Nothing has really changed between me and Johnny....I mean, we're still really close but as in the romance department...we're still miles apart unfortunately. I did somewhat succeed in getting him to admit that he at one time had a crush on me too...I figure it was around december 09 when we were most flirty with each other and pretended to be married......
he had just gotten his heart broken and I was there to pick him back up....I guess you can say I was his rebound....still am his rebound.
I hate to think of him like this because he's my best friend and all but it's been running thru my head alot the chance he's just using me until he finally gets a girl. I don't really want to believe it but inside I somewhat feel like I'm just here for him when he needs me and, as soon as he gets what he's been waiting for he'll ditch me untill he needs me again....
I don't want to be his "go-to girl" but, it would seem like that's exactly what I am. I know he says we'll always be friends and he'll always be there for me, and I believe him but...I think in the long run I'm going to be there for him far more than he's ever going to be there for me.
I'm not really sure what I should do about us. nobody else would notice but, we're starting to push each other away...I'm not sure if this is for the best or not but, I know that I need him in my life. need him to live. if he were to just dissappear I have no idea what I'd do...I hate to say it but, I'd be alot like Bella after Edward left >_<

but that's just one of the thoughts going thru my mind...another thought is why I am lacking a boyfriend. why I am *always* lacking a boyfriend.
I know that currently it's because the ONLY guy I'm interested in doesn't like me back, but why have I never had one in the past?
I know I'm not ugly..I mean, I'm not beautiful either but, I'm decent. I'm not an uber-bitch all the time. I'm not shy and I always talk to new people. so I just don't get it. what's so wrong with me that no guy seems to want me? I'm 16 and have never had a bf and never kissed a guy. it's pretty embarrassing. what I really don't understand is, why can my younger sister get a bf? because she has bigger boobs? that's the only way she's any better than I am...I don't understand why it is that my 13 yr old sister has guys fighting over her constantly and I can't even get one guy to look at me.
I was talking to Johnny about this earlier and he said something that pissed me off. I'll copy the convo here.

9:59pm Johnny

Make a list of people you are interested in your classes like, first week. Then, go after them all. One at a time. You'll find one eventually. I have a list of four girls that I am interested in in my life now. one of them is BOUND to say yes. I am after one in specific right now though so, I'll wait to see how things go with her first.

10:01pmMe

my classes...dude I'm heading to ysu >_< a college guy isn't gonna want me and if he does it's not gonna be for the same reason I want =P blehh kk ttyl dear

10:01pm Johnny

how do you know? try it.

10:01pmMe

ummm...no.

they're "too old"

Johnny is constantly telling me that he is too old for me. yet, he's telling me to date guys the same age as him? I don't freakin get it. if it's wrong for him to date me because of age it's wrong for every other 20yr old too. I'm a 16yr old girl heading to college and he's telling me to date older guys!? he's insane. either they wont want me or I'll end up getting raped. >_<

that brings me to my 3rd and final thought of the night: school.
I love shool. I hate having to be homeschooled. so to fix the fact that homeschooling doesn't work for me and that I thrive on people, my mother is sending me to college early.
as you can probably imagine this scares the crap out of me. college. I'm skipping three years of highschool. everyone is going to me older than me. what if I'm not smart enough? what if I can't fit in? so many scary thoughts are going thru my brain and it makes me so parinoid. This was all my mother's idea to begin with. she wants me to be ahead in life and make something of myself.....so in a few weeks I'm going to take my GED and they are going to sign me up to go to YSU...I'm scared yet excited...thing is, I'm not sure if I'm really ready. I'm just a kid and I'm being thrust into the adult world. nobody cares how I feel about this major thing happening in my life. nobody cares what the kid thinks. but since I'm being expected to become an adult early, shouldn't I at least be treated like one? I don't even get to pick what I'm majoring in. mom wants me to be a doctor so therefore I'm going to school to become a doctor. I'm lucky to be able to at least minor in music, which is my real passion. I want to be in ministry. I want to sing. that's where I feel God pulling my life, that's where I've always felt him leading toward.

but I guess this is enough for one night. good night all.

So there's this guy, for writing purposes lets say his name is Alex. Anyway we've been friends since this fall, we met over the summer but didn't really talk until school started. I'm home all day because I go to an online school and am always on fb looking for someone to talk to. Well Alex is in college so he was always on at the same weird hours as me. Eventually i was just so bored I randomly IMed him, kinda worried about whether or not he'd talk to me, after all, I'm only a high school freshman. He did and it turned out we had alot in common. We started talking more and more till eventually we spent more time talking than not. It didn't take very long for us to become close friends, even pretending to be together at one point to freak people out XD then, a day or two after Christmas we hung out together with some of his friends. It was great and I had alot of fun....but later that night after he brought me home I reaized that I might have a small crush on him....I only told my friend marie about this, and she didn't know Alex, but just a lil while later I had a message in my inbox, from him. It mainly just said that he had suspicions I may like him and that it couldn't happen right now b/c I was too young. at the time I completely agreed, I didn't really like him all that much crush-wise, and I was glad he knew because I didn't have to hide it and it wouldn't make things awkward. Things went well for about 2 weeks but I noticed that instead of my "crush" going away it was getting worse, more powerful. I'd never felt anything even close to how I felt for him for anyone else. I knew then that I loved him. and I couldn't calm down untill he knew, so I told him. I wrote a long inbox explaining myself, how I knew he didnt feel the same way and I didnt expect him to, I just needed to tell him how I felt. I was horrified that it would ruin our friendship and he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He actually seemed to understand, and we both seemed to just put it behind us and never bring it up, but we also stopped doing some of our lil things we loved to do. We stopped pretending to be a couple and he started refusing to say "I love you" back to me when I randomly said it jokingly. After awhile of still trying to regain our closeness I gave up. We were fine as friends, closer than ever really, and I didn't wanna ruin that by being stupid. so as time has passed we've gotten closer, occasionally seeing each other and hanging out. Then last week my stupid self brought it up again...I really tried to explain it so that he would know how much I loved him, how much I really need him. He didnt say anything about how he felt about me, not a single thing. All we fought about was age. He feels that we are too far apart age wise. 4 years almost exactly =P but i believe that age is just a number, and that if he feels the same we shouldnt let go of what may me a good chance at true love. Of corse I'm thinking more from my heart and he is thinking more logicly. I'm underage, by quite a bit. and I know its illegal, but I really love him. I have no idea how he feels because he never says it, he just talks a/b the age diffrence. And ever sence I brought it up again our talking hasn't been as carefree and natural like always, almost like we're avoiding each other. I'm worried because I can't lose him as a friend. idc if thats all we'll ever be, I need him as that much. I'm thinking I'll just trying to forget how I feel for awhile, untill I'm older. any advice?

I take Tarzan [my laptop] with me everywhere I go. I just love to be online all the time. It makes me happy.